30 images for “Deletion”


Memo # 10

Something that has always been excessively important to people is self- expression and individualization. It may be a way to try and self- actualize by rebelling against what other people associate them with in order to gain some sort of pride. Just like over thinking unnecessary problems stressing about “unique-ifying” yourself can also be stressful. Just do what you are comfortable doing and know what the cosequences are. Many people have labeled ne as being the “arty”type…… I don’t really know what that means , there are others that people call artsy that I cant relate to at all. One thing I do know is that I am independent and like to spend a lot of my time alone which results  in being slightly lonely sometimes, but mostly results in my being ever so slightly awkward in some situations but I’ve learned to accept it. When somebody becomes comfortable in their “awkwardness the I feel like it releases a slight tension or feeling of judgment. Anyway there are certain things that I am very adamant about when it comes to the alterations of ones apperance while other things I am still questioning for myself. For example, I will not get a permanent tattoo not will I permanently “tag” on the streets or on buildings, (but rather I just pencil and acrylic paint ) and I will never permanently dye my hair another color.  I do go for the temporary versions of both of those though. For example, I have gotten henna designs and sharpie marker drawings on myself. Although they look “real” or permanent they change with time and allow your skin to absorb the experiences of the present without being affected by past images or words.  Also I will only ever temporarily dye my hair and only small sections of it.  Then when it comes to piercings I am conflicted, I would like to another in my ear but I am not sure if it is worth it.  Also both of my parents do not approve of the idea. I have no desire to go against my parents who love and trust me on so trivial a thing.   Finally I think I will just have to make due, my new project is to get feathers stabilized in my hair. I cannot wait!

Memo #9

Why do I always succeed in over thinking when it would do me much more good to just ask less and just let it go. I don’t know if its just me trying to make some drama in my life. That would be stupid because I have way more important things to spend my energy on… like school, work, loans, scholarships, family etc.  Many of the things I over think have to do with my volatile self- esteem and how the decisions I make affect what people think about me.  After doing something I am not particularly proud of I try to find solace and reassurance in other people.  Sometimes I find it but sometimes when the products of my “over thinking” turn out to be true that is when nothing can be said to get my mind off it and the only medicine to my predicament is time and a large dose of perspective which is difficult to swallow all at once when my stubborn mind is resisting it.   I read somewhere that that it is no use fretting over something that will not matter 20 years in the future. One thing I know I have to change/ grow out of is how much I question and doubt myself. If I listened to my gut more often I would probably over think less. This thing holding my back is that what if I end up spending more time thinking “what if”.  I feel like the pent up energy of what if thinking can lead to scary things that can lead to regret. I also feel that is I try to block what I am over thinking it will only suspend and add to the amount of time it takes for me to completely get over it.  I have only recently completely gotten over something (and I don’t think that this situation is as bad but it is very different so I don’t really know) and I can say that I have grown a lot from those decisions.  I need to learn perspective like I need to get over my petty problems because they really aren’t that bad and that I should stop trying to be perfect and stop caring if certain people do not want to be my friends , I have friends that love me and that is all that matters and its more than some people can relate to. The more thought I put into these dumb issues the faster I get over them. I guess practice makes perfect. Ya live, ya learn.


Memo # 8

I did not expect to feel it, but I do really feel a need to go to church. Ever since spring break when my great aunt passed away and I went to mass with almost my entire family I felt something that I have been missing for a long time without even knowing it. A sense of peace and comfort, a long needed solace for a mind troubled by the countless petty problems of school. Being home and with my family during that sad time reminded me of the importance and beauty of my Lithuanian heritage and traditions. After the funeral mass and luncheon my mother and I were extremely exhausted something about being in a group of people with that much emotion in one area was almost suffocating. I practically ran out of the room during the wake. Anyway I have never forgotten the importance of my heritage but being so far away from what I believed to be its source made it difficult to maintain a mental connection.  Then I realized why can I not be its source, I have as much Lithuanian blood in my as my ancestors there is not excuse why I should rely on their surroundings cherish my culture.  After thinking about it at home I realized two things.  First, I should fulfill the promise I made to my grandmother and send her some prints of my photography. I had done whole project including pictures with my mother, father, and dog, Tera. I really think she would love to have them before she passes away, which may be very soon. I do not know why I keep putting it off… oh right school. … figures when I get an extra minute the whole rest of Syracuse is taking a minute off.  So I can hardly even make it anywhere to get photos printed. Hopefully I will be able to get it done before the end of the year. The other thing I realized was that I wanted to take a bit of my traditions back to Syracuse with me, and my mother agreed that it was a good idea. I wanted to bring the paraphernalia to make Lithuanian wax decorated Easter eggs. I have invited some of my closer friends to join me and learn a very old tradition. I’m happy that they have agreed to attempt it. Decorating and dying eggs has always been something I look forward to every year.. almost more than Christmas Eve. The rhythm of the needle clicking the tin of the wax container and the steady scratch of the tip against the surface of the egg puts me in a sort of creative trance that I know generations of people can relate to. I would have to say I am the most enthusiastic egg decorator in my family and have gotten pretty good at the craft, but I always like doing it better when my whole family and/ or friends are sitting together sharing our culture and creativity.


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